Coulda…Shoulda…Woulda…

Scan_48“Maybe you aren’t supposed to – this year.”
Through a knowing smile her gentle words permeated my heart.

It was Christmas Eve. Our family had just enjoyed dinner with friends. As we’re leaving, she quietly handed me a gift. Thanking her, I sighed with frustration, “Ughhh, I wasn’t able to bake cookies for friends this season. I’m so frustrated!”

Her response has lingered….
Does that ever happened to you? Someone’s words, linger.

Unbeknownst to her, this theme had recurred to me through an assortment of circumstances over the past few months.

I seemed to bounce back and forth between “I’m so frustrated! I REALLY WANTED to do that,” and “I feel like I SHOULD be doing that!”  In my mind, I was talking to myself. In my heart, I knew I was indirectly complaining to God.

When I’d think on my diffused effort, I consistently concluded, “I’m obviously not to do this.” Predictably, frustration, sometimes anger, fretting, or feeling sorry for myself followed. I wish it didn’t take me so long to recognize ‘obvious’ …

Sometimes I moved on and prayed… (Ahh, to remember to do this in the first place!)

Scan_49We moved to our new home in a new city on December 10. I hurried to unpack and settle our home, wanting all to be “just right” for our children as they came home. Then, on to decorating for Christmas… and on to Christmas shopping. Hurrying in my heart, while trying not to look like it on the outside to them.

I need to…  I want to… I should… played countless times in my mind.  Physically exhausted, I was mentally exhausting myself, too.

And then I got sick. Forced rest. Well, as much as a mom can rest in the days before Christmas.  I don’t like admitting that I rested only because I was sick…

“Maybe you aren’t supposed to…”

Upon reflection, I see how voids in my heart are exposed through the WANT’s and SHOULD-DO’s I entertain. Voids that can only be filled by HIS LOVE. Yearning that can only be satisfied through His peace.

Scan_50Do you ever toil like me, pushing yourself or your own agenda?  Rather than following His lead, taking on His yoke.

“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11.28-30)

On this last day of 2012, I pray for all of us that we will first seek Christ in all things. Inviting Him into our wants, releasing to Him the burden of the should-do’s, and embracing His will, with faith. Realizing how deeply He loves us, wants to take care of us, and yearns to show us how to walk through each day He gives us on this earth.

Dear friends, I am very grateful to Him for you. Your readership and comments encourage me. I hope and pray this blog is an encouragement to you.
I cherish praying for you daily.

Teresa

 

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